Why play pretend....it's right under my nose & I see it....

So what do I do?

Nothing...Absolutely nothing, because its my fault (it always is after all) & what else is there left to do?

I try, so help me God I try so hard sometimes...maybe that's my problem (I try not to ruffle too many feathers but it backfires in my face)

But to make it seem like i'm not doing anything to make it better (or to at least try) that breaks my heart....Because I do, more than ever... & When I try, I get nothing back

All I want is to see the rainbow again, I think thats not too much to ask for is it? Because I want to be happy & not feel alone too. I go through so much shit & cry myself to sleep sometimes because I don't know what is left to be done anymore. & that's not my weakness, it's my solitude.

Don't I even get a hint or a nudge as to which direction to take?

I'm sick & i'm tired...I'm sick & tired of having to prove myself to everybody or to be & behave the way they expect me to. Because I've tried that & it didnt work.

Right now, I just want to hibernate....that ought to do the trick.

Cause right now, to top everything else off I'm irresponsible too right & don't have my priorities in check!

Oh my Gawd, its been sooo  long that I forgot how to work this thing...like jakun lah I tell you....

Anyway, just so you know, & its about bloody time, I have finally got a computer in my room. No more waitng for my bro to get of the computer or finish studying or sleeping or anything else. I missed having it in my room. Think the last time I had it here was like 10 years ago.

I wonder actually if my site is still active coz I just see a blank page so we'll see after I try & post this up.

Christmas has once again come & gone... Yesterday I found that the city had started taking down the decorations, just a tad bit quick, but oh well. Its the New Year again :- (2006) wonder what it holds. Enough roller coaster rides already lah. I  pray that it will be at least slightly easier, better & definitely less eratic (that was me in 2005 - i've summed up my year)

But I somehow have a good feeling about the coming year, don't ask me why coz I have absolutely no idea & remember, its just a feeling. But feelings are good, they get you moving in the right direction so I'm contended with that for the time being.

I pray that the coming year brings with it, peace, joy & happiness with family, friends & special someone's.

CFB :- Its been a year & a pleasure to have worked with you. Especially now, I feel so much better coming into the office knowing that your in the next room. I wish you new & better things in 2006. Love ya Babe :)

Sharkbait :- Thank you for always injecting a little bit of you in everything. It always brings a smile to everyone's face. Whenever your around there's never a dull moment. I wish you greater achievements & only the best for 2006. Love Ya Babe :)

OGB :- 11 years we've known each other & sometimes I feels its only been 1 year. There is so much that we get to see & learn everytime & it makes me happy that we can be comfortable that way. I wish you the best in your quest in finding a job match & working your way through it, coz you will make a difference in so many lifes. Love ya babe :)

WAP:- You've found the one & I'm so happy for you. Its nice to see you every once in a while & maybe there will be a little more of that. I wish you all the joy & happiness & good things for the coming year. Love ya stud :)

To all the others as well, Dubai,JB,JBB, LMM,LTF, LTFGF & many more :) I wish only the best for 2006. Go forth & spread a little of your individual flairs & fancies & make others as happy as you make me.

To those who are getting engaged & married in 2006 :- whooo yooo & congratulations!!!

To the rest of us, its not time to find our mates but for our mates to find us :)

CHEERS & A JOLLY NEW YEAR TO ONE & ALL

WITH ALL MY LOVE I COULD GIVE

PP

I hate feeling needy

I hate knowing that I constantly starve for affection

I hate feeling that I need to give 150% to prove myself to others

I hate feeling that I will never be good enough for anybody

I hate feeling guilty for everything that happens

I hate the fact that I can never have enough shoes & bags

I hate thinking all the time and dissecting every piece of information when its actually simple & straightforward

I hate that I tend to get paranoid about stuff

I hate the fact that I have been working in the same place for 2 ½ yrs & I hate it

I hate the fact that I’m still living with my parents & have to abide by their rules

So many things happening all at once…I want to help to make things better but I don’t how….I feel helpless & I hate feeling this way….I want to make everything right for everybody so that all the faces I see when I wake up in the morning & all the faces I see when I go to sleep at night will have smiles….the different kinds of smiles which I have come to know so well…. I may not be the easiest person to talk to but I care & I hope that it carries at least abit of weight

(Before I start, let me warn you that this entry might sound a bit bimbotic / crazy maybe to some of you so apologies in advance to anyone who might get turned off by it)

Ok its 11:30am on a Saturday morning, I’m sitting at my desk at work and I find myself singing & humming to an Italian CD (Tiziano Ferro)J

Plus there is an Italian Fair going on downstairs where we work and besides loving the food and the beauty of the country, almost everyone I know, knows that I have a thing for Italian Guys. Why? They are hot, suave and charming…. & I also think their twang is so cute. I don’t think I have had much of a conversation with an Italian guy but I would like to find out if they would be able to stimulate my intellect because that would just be the icing on the cake.

Sometimes I like to think….. ok no wait….. I think all the time & I wonder if I could be someone else in another skin…. Maybe I’m actually Italian, or French or British or American. Then sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be born as someone else. What kind of like would I lead? Questions that I like to ponder on when I have absolutely nothing to do J but questions which I will never ever get answers too (which is a good thing)

Well that’s all folks J Before I leave the building, I’m going to get my fix of cuteness then I’ll be good for the rest of the weekend J

Have a good one J

When u want something….. you wait till u get it….you get it…. then the rug has to be pulled out from under u….coz its just not good enough…….and ur left alone again

So the weekend turned out a little unexpected but on hindsight maybe not….

Sat was a bummer coz I didn’t do anything except sleep. I had to work in the morning (which I find is the most unproductive thing) & reached home at abt 3:30pm. I went to sleep almost immediately coz my body was just loosing its lustre and I awoke an hour and a half later only to fall back to sleep again while watching tv. Abit of drama took place later but for my own sanity will leave that out of here. Felt really crappy (sick) so didn’t meet the rest (& WAP met them that night - dammit). So after watching abit of tv, took my medication & fell back into blissful slumber till the next morning when my alarm went of J

Sunday morning was GOD time… then went home & did abit of the chores, had lunch and went to sleep again (that is a lot of sleeping for one weekend & im still tired J) I woke up and got ready to go to my friends wedding… I knew both of them from school. It was a chance to meet up with the gang again & we all had such a good time talking about our 6months away from here 5 years ago. Some of whom I haven’t seen in about 4 years, so we all did some major catching up then. Reminiscing can be such a pleasure sometimes and it put me in a good mood so hopefully it stays for the rest of the week J

It was a good weekend nonetheless and I only hope that nothing happens during the week to rock this boat J

What a Friday yesterday was. Since we didn’t have anything in particular to do and we all just wanted to “hang” for the evening, we made arrangements to meet in town after 6pm. LMM finished work at 5pm so she went home to change first before coming down. Both me & CFB finished work at 6pm so we waited outside our office (as it is conveniently located in the town area – sorry bout that to the rest J) Sharkbait left work at about 6pm (she didn’t want to meet us at first but was made to change her mind – I’m glad u came down J). So LMM & Sharky met us at about 7pm. As usual, it took another 10 mins or so for us to decide what to do & where to go. After finally making up our minds, we made the long and stuffy journey to Brewerkz. Upon arrival to our dismay, half of civilization decided that it was the place to be so we couldn’t get a table. We left our names with them and told them to call us when they had space for The Four.

We then decided to go across to meet LTF to have coffee & chocolate cake – absolutely sinful but beautifully sublime J mmmmmmmmm.  We of course had the best seat in that place so thank you LTF. We then met LTFGF there and we talked about her possible new work colleague (Sharkbait) we have to wait till Monday I think before the news shall be bestowed upon her magicalness (hang in there in the meantime k). Then the call came so while CFB payed the bill & Sharkbait said her farewell to LTFGF, me & LMM took the walk across the bridge so as not to loose our table. We got there in time. After about 5mins or so CFB & Sharkbait came along. We then ordered our drinks & buffalo wings and talked the night away about many different things. I love it when we do that – change subjects so effortlessly (we don’t jump into other things, we gradually finish one topic & theres another to touch on J)

My favorite topic that night started with a question – “What do you think we will be doing at this exact time 20 years from now?” And we just spat things out and it was so magical coz we seem to have all done our own things and still managed to retain who we were amongst each other. Of course 20 years from now we will say “Do you remember that night we sat at Brewerks & talked about 20 years later, now we are looking back to 20 years before & reminiscing” J

And LMM, I know that when u saw him yesterday u panicked & all those emotions came flooding back but what u did garnered the right response and you had him more or less where u needed him to be… So hang in there and be strong k… things will iron out for themselves this time I think no matter what happens, but u know that we will always be here so no worries k J

Enjoy the weekend people!!!!!!

This entry comes with a mixture of many things: apologies, gratitude, awe, admiration, & TLC

I had written an entry a couple of months ago but it didn’t post, maybe it was a sign to wait for the right time

Now seems perfect timing so allow me the opportunity to pour my heart, soul & mind out

This is a tribute to the people that I have gotten to know in the past 10 years (at different points within those years)

But whom I have had an opportunity to really see, hear, understand & have come to love and who have made an

incredible impact in my life.

Last year, I had a roller coaster of emotions which I allowed to get the better of me.  The gist of it being that I had lost myself & thinking & feeling that I had lost my friends as well. I felt that I could not communicate to them, that they were in their bubble & I was outside looking in. I behaved terribly around them & like a brat throwing “shit fits” as WAP put it knowing no other way of dealing with it & having no control over my emotions. He & the rest of them were right. But I didn’t know what to do or how to better everything. Today however I have come full circle (or I hope I have at least).

I have finally come to terms with the fact that we knew each other at a very susceptible time in our lives (our teenage years). We were the same people, with the same feelings & emotions, trying to find ourselves & determine what we wanted to do in the future. However, being in our twenties now, and after going through so many events since then, we have molded into our own. We are the same people working towards different goals at different times. We are studying or holding jobs, we have different priorities now too. We do different things at different times & it doesn’t mean that we care less for anybody. We may not be around at certain events or times when others are only because we are all on different schedules. It doesn’t make us lesser of a friend, it just means that we need to communicate with our friends at different times.

CFB:                        You are an incredible person with a huge heart who has taught me that it is ok to love. To not be afraid of giving too much & you were there for me when I finally decided to give my heart but it was broken & returned to me. You always made me feel more than I felt & for that I owe you so much. I haven’t always been able to be around for you at times but I try even if it’s for awhile. But you need to know that I am so grateful that you have found an amazing person to be there for you every step of the way. That you are being taken care off is all that I need to know when I am not able to take care of you J I love you babe

SHARKY:                You are an amazing person who has shown me that there is no end to giving. Because that’s what you do continuously without wanting anything in returned & rejecting it when it is given to you J the room always lights up when you walk in due to your infectious nature, smiles & laughter. You’re always putting people at ease. I have always wished I could be more like you but I’m not so being around you is the ultimate pleasure J You have taken care of my friends when I was not around so for that I am utterly grateful & so blessed that you found your way to our group & making it that much better. I love you babe

WAP:                       Man oh man oh man J thanks for bringing to light my “shit fits” coz I could do something about it. We may not speak or see each other alot but is often on my mind. Says things which sometimes you wish he didn’t but after awhile it just goes over your head. You have found what you’re looking for & I am so happy for you because of it (just don’t forget us k J) You are not afraid to be who you are & going for the things that you want even though you know that you won’t necessarily get the reactions you want. I admire that quality & wish that I could be more like that. Love ya darl ;)

OGB:                       Your plight right now I share with you a little. You don’t give yourself enough credit. Don’t allow yourself to be held down because of others. You may go through rough times but they will make you stronger. If you need time away to figure out stuff then that’s what you need but you really don’t need to move away from your friends (take it from me) coz you will find that in many unspoken ways, they will help you figure out what is going on. Sometimes what you want, no matter how hard you try it just won’t happen, keep that in mind for later & try something for now & it will work itself out as someone once told all of us J Love ya babe

JB:                           She epitomizes the strength of a woman. She is a go getter. She lives for today and she isn’t afraid of speaking her mind and saying what is right. Initially a bit taken aback by that, I have grown accustomed to it & I respect her so much because of it. She is beautiful & has found what she has searched for & I am so thrilled that I designated myself as her “emergency person” on her special day & she agreed J hahahaha Thank you for being you & being a friend more then you needed to be J love ya babe

LMM:                       My almost next door neighbour. You have been through your fair share of shit & you have no idea how many times you have picked yourself up (it pays to listen to sharky rite J) hahahahaha My companion sometimes I hope when CFB, SHARKY & JB go to The Big AppleJ  Love ya babe

IP:                            Hahahahaha cracks me up whenever I hear about her or hear her talk J *warning* her laughter is infectious J Never really communicated much before till some time ago. It’s amazing what she puts herself through & takes. I’m sure you will find what you’re looking for eventually. JLove ya babe

There you have it. My friends, my pillars of strength, my guardians, my wackos. Thank you for being you & allowing me to be me. No matter what has happened, or what may happen in the future, you guys will always have a place in my heart. No matter time, place or distance.

This is my tribute to all of you